Local Man Can't Figure Out How to Make Calls on New Smart Phone by Duke Studedman

(Austin, Texas) Billy Fillmore, local artist and philanderer, has a problem - Billy can't figure out how to make calls on his new smart phone. Eyewitnesses reported over the weekend that Fillmore, 29, "looked confused as soon as he pulled the thing out of his messenger bag."

Fillmore's waitress (who asked to remain anonymous) stated "I thought he was trying to IM a friend to join him for a beer or something, but he just sat there tapping the main screen pulling up different apps for like, forever. I asked him if he wanted to order an appetizer or something while he waited, but he just ignored me and kept tapping. It was wierd."
 
"I can download my songs, surf the web, upload apps and other programs but I can't make a freaking call on this damn thing," Fillmore complained over numerous beers at Uncle Billy's Brew&Cue. "And this sonofabitch was expensive. Not to mention the monthly "data-plan" that comes along with it. Am I the only one who's sick and tired of getting corn-holed by these big corporations."
 
Friends tried to console the artist but as the night wore on he become more disconsolate as he sampled fine craft beers, cole-slaw, and several baskets of fried pickles.
 
Family members stated Fillmore wanted to "one-up" all the smarmy smart phone users out there by getting one more expensive, faster and bigger. After browsing online he came up with a winner, or so he thought. "I guess I'm gonna have to call tech support...oh wait, I can't, I need a PHONE to do that!"

When asked about the other functions included with his phone Fillmore responded "Sure I can use this piece of shit to find my way around pretty much any city on the globe with the map app, get instant reviews on local restaurants and bars, purchase movie tickets and check my Facebook status constantly. But what I need is a PHONE!"
 
Arthur Chavez, a local fry-cook and hipster, brought the mystery to light by asking Fillmore what he was doing "trying to talk into an iPad?"
 
Fillmore quickly paid his tab and left, vowing to find a device that suited his unique needs.
 
"I just thought the guy was drunk or having a laugh but I saw he was serious," Chavez said. "I just hope I set him on the correct pathway to clear cellular communication."